5 Steps to Real Intimacy and Greater Sex in Your Marriage

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5 Steps to Real Intimacy and Greater Sex in Your Marriage

Intimacy is often confused with sex. They are not the same. This confusion has many people, married and single, twisted. You may be having sex, even good sex, and not be intimate. There’s the truth. You can have good sex without intimacy. But you can’t have mind-blowing sex without intimacy. Now, you may argue with me, but I am sticking to what I know. Married couples can disconnect from one another without knowing. Below are the 5 steps toward deeper intimacy.

Intimacy Defined

I was sorta shocked when I looked up intimacy and one definition was sexual intercourse. No wonder relationships are lacking chemistry and connection. I define Intimacy as ‘Into Me, You See.’ The first part of this definition is an open invitation for your husband. You are inviting him to see the deepest parts of you. The second part is a private invitation for that person, in this case, your husband. All that I am that makes me ME you are invited to see. Isn’t that powerful? Your marriage is sacred. It’s not like any other relationship. When you are intimate with your spouse, you are saying “I have everything for you to have.” And he admires that. Becoming vulnerable to your spouse may not be easy especially if there has been past hurt. There is hope. If you are still in your marriage, you can walk in love and forgiveness. This isn’t hype. I will be married 30 years in July. At the beginning of our marriage, I was a mess and my husband left me. Yeah, my mouth chased him away. And yet, God healed us. Brought us together and now my husband is my best friend.

Here’s a prayer that you can pray for you and your husband:

Father God, I have been hurt and I am having trouble letting go. You said if I asked for anything in your name I can have it. So Lord heal my broken heart. Help me and my husband to walk in forgiveness, love, and kindness toward one another. I am casting my cares, my worries and anxieties all to you because you care about me and my marriage. Thank you, Lord!

Now, you have prayed, you have to believe. God can do the work in an instant, but we may need some practice. Pray this prayer every day, several times a day until you see changes in you and your husband. If your hurt is due to infidelity, please read these articles. The issue of infidelity is the topic of many of my coaching sessions. I saw a need to address this matter at my conference. The ‘Life After Infidelity’ class is one of the first class to reach capacity. Each one of the teachers has experience, so I know with God, all is possible.

To have a healthy growing marriage, you have to be vulnerable and open up (Tweetable)

5 Steps to Having Deeper Intimacy with your spouse

I want to say again that this is a process. You won’t have instant success. But you have to start and commit to the process. Getting rid of your protective layers are essential in having someone love you. Really love you and the fullness of who you are. So deeper intimacy is not for your spouse, but it is for you. Time for you to experience that connection that many women long for, but didn’t know what ‘it’ was. Intimacy is what you really want.

The 5 Stages of Intimacy

In order for you to remember the 5 stages of intimacy, I am going to use the hand. From the perspective of the hand, each finger represents one of the 5 stages of intimacy. This is going to be a cute and simple way for you to remember where you and your husband are on this intimacy journey. Look at your hand for a second. Not at your skin or your jewelry, but at your hand. All the fingers come together in the hand. Just like these steps toward deeper intimacy will do.

Step 1: Let’s Start with the thumb. When you stick up your thumb, the message is – It’s A-OK! Right? Everything is ok and you stabilize everything. In the case of learning more about intimacy. Your thumb represents your ego. Everyone comes into a relationship with some type of ego. The question to ask is your ego hindering from being close with your spouse.

Your ego has gotta 2 go or We go! (Tweetable)

The key to getting over your ego.

Have a conversation with your spouse like this. “Honey, I feel like your ego/my ego is getting in the way of us being closer. I had to remind myself that we are playing on the same team. We can’t have true intimacy with big egos. “ Speak with love and tenderness. How you say something is as important as saying it. If you are the one with the big ego, I encourage you to surrender. Tell yourself that it’s ok to be vulnerable and let your guard down. If what you are facing is rooted in past hurt then start by surrendering to God. Ask God to help you open up. He has your back. God has your back.

Job 11:13-15 Contemporary English Version (CEV)

13 Surrender your heart to God, turn to him in prayer,

14 and give up your sins— even those you do in secret.

15 Then you won’t be ashamed; you will be confident and fearless.

Step 2:

The next finger to explore is your forefinger. This powerful finger is the one we use to say come here or wait a minute. Either way, the index finger gives permission and takes initiative. You are telling that person- It’s ok for you to come into my personal space. When you use this finger, you are inviting that person into your personal space or keeping them out. Sometimes it’s hard, but you have asked God in for help and guidance. Take steps with your husband as well. The goal is true intimacy. This finger could signal for your husband to sit beside you or to let you lay your head on his shoulder. We are not talking about sex. We are talking about you letting your guard down.

Step 3.

Be careful! The middle finger represents how you deal with these new emotions. By now, you have let your defenses down and your emotions out. In this intimacy process, let’s turn that middle finger upside down and point to your heart. Instead of using it to flip the bird, let’s make that bird a dove. Open your heart and release any negativity about this process. Soften up! You don’t have to be harsh or sharp when you are opening up. I share often that God showed me how to guard my tongue. I grew up surrounded by boss women, tell-it-like-it-is women, who were single women. I didn’t want to repeat the cycle, so I had to get counseling on effective communication. Is this you? Keep reading. I have some resources for you.

Step 4.

The Ring Finger. I hope this finger is your favorite. Not because of the size of your stones, but because of the covenant you made before God. Even if you had a wedding on the beach, at the courthouse or in a barnyard, God was still present. Your wedding ring is the symbol that says I am going to trust and respect my husband. Even if your husband isn’t leading by example yet. Wives, you have an influence on your husband. Men want respect above all else. You can respect who he is on this journey even if he isn’t making the best decisions. God will guide you. Pray for your husband.

Father God, I want to honor you in this commitment to my marriage. I know I holding on to my husband not being perfect in my sight, but I’m not perfect either. He wants my respect and I want to give it. Please Lord, strengthen our bond. Help me to trust my husband more. Help me to be consistent in my prayer and in my expression of trust toward him. Thank you for making my husband trustworthy and me faithful in honoring him. Because honoring him is honoring you.

Your ring sends a message to the world. You are off the market. Look at your ring during this step in the process. This is a symbol of a never-ending circle, an unbroken bond with my husband.

Step 5.

Doesn’t every movie have the infamous ‘pinky swear’ in it? No matter the background of the kids, that pinky swear is securing the promise. If you pinky swear, you better not break that promise. So in this stage, the final stage of intimacy. Your pinky finger is the seal on the promise. You and your husband are two imperfect people on this path together. You two are going to be BFFs – Best Friends Forever. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get that. I had my girls, then I had my husband. I didn’t think he needed to be my best friend. I was wrong ladies. The marriages that I saw that were 40, 50 or more years old had one thing in common – they are married to their best friend. You may not have started that way. I didn’t. But you can build that relationship by taking these 5 steps toward real and deeper intimacy.

Still, don’t think it’s possible

I’m optimistic. No, I’m anointed. God has given me the mission to eradicate divorce, yet I know every marriage won’t last. Don’t throw your hands up. Marriage is work, but it is meaningful work that will impact lives for generations. And I didn’t have this in my life. That’s why I got personal counseling to heal my heart. And why I am sharing with you I can help. I am a certified Christian marriage coach and a certified sex expert (didn’t think you could go to school for that, right?). Click this link for a FREE 30-minute consultation with you. It’s not a sales pitch. I will share with you strategies you can use immediately. If infidelity issues are eating at you, read here and here. I didn’t say it was going to be easy ladies, but it is definitely worth it.

Final Facts

Real intimacy is needed for mind-blowing sex. Give your concerns and worries to God. He is a healer and deliverer. Share with your husband the tools and tips from this article. He too may have some issues with intimacy. Remember, many of us were misinformed to think intimacy was sex. Be sure to post your progress through the 5 Stages of Intimacy.