How to Bring Sex Back to a Sexless Marriage
One of the most common Google searches on marriage is ‘sexless marriage’. According to research, 20 percent of married couples haven’t had sex in over a year. This amounts to 40 million Americans considering themselves in a sexless marriage. If you find yourself in this situation, know that you are not alone and that there is hope.
Common causes of a sexless marriage
Life got in the way
There is a term for the busy life without a focus on the marriage – Dual Income, No Sex. Before bills and babies, the two of you were different. The increase in responsibilities can be stressful. Common stressors are money, children, work or business and family. Listen to what’s going on with your spouse. Don’t compare your younger carefree selves to your now responsible selves. It’s not a fair comparison. Work together to find ways to reduce the stress. For example, you may have to send the children to bed earlier so you can have private time as a couple. Or decide to exercise together after work and then hop in the shower together. Two great ways to reduce stress and increase intimacy!
Unaddressed emotional wounds
Sex and intimacy are vital to any marriage. So is trust. If you have some reason not to trust your spouse or yourself, then you need to get help. Harboring unforgiveness is more likely hurting you more than your spouse. Certain feelings can be the reason a spouse is holding out on sex. Communicate with your spouse or get professional help. Finding solutions to a sexless marriage is a team effort. If one of you isn’t willing to work on solutions, you will stay in this situation.
Side Effects of Medicine
Many prescription meds have sexual side effects. Think back. Was a new medicine or supplement started by you or your spouse? Did you keep the long sheet of paper from the pharmacy? You can check online for side effects. If you see low sex drive or difficulty with arousal, call the doctor. You and your spouse should be working together to be healthier. The doctor will understand you want to have a healthy sex life with your spouse.
Signs of Getting Older
Menopause. Erectile Dysfunction. Diabetes. Slower Metabolism. They can affect the quality of sex in your marriage. But they don’t have to be reasons for not having sex. Take a trip to the doctor – you and your spouse. Talk with your doctor about adjustments in your diet or in your medication. Share with them the effects that the condition is having on your sex life. Remember you are not alone. You may even find some new hot spots as you explore one another’s mature bodies.
How you feel about your body
Nothing kills a sex drive faster than not loving your body. Bodies change. If you see a lot of negativity when you look in the mirror it’s time to change that! When you begin to love what you see in the mirror you become a more confident version of yourself. One way to do this is to give yourself compliments. So as you look at yourself in the mirror try giving yourself a compliment. This will help you become more confident. More self-confidence will fuel you to put the romance back into your marriage. Your husband will love nothing more than a confident, sexy wife!
How to Bring Sex and Sexy Back to Your Marriage
You and your spouse have been together for some time, yet you may have started to take one another for granted. Make sure you have open lines of communication. Do you two talk about sex, sexual satisfaction or the lack of it? If you are comfortable with the conversation, then you two are off to a great start. Be clear about what you like, what you love and what you want. Have a clear vision of sex and intimacy in your marriage.
Be more positive
You may have read about marriages not being able to recover from being sexless. If you want to recover your marriage, you have to get rid of the negativity. Stop comparing your marriage to others. Some couples are happy with a few times a month where others prefer a few times a week. That’s why communication is critical. Don’t look at sex as a chore or a burden. Sex within marriage is the cornerstone of love, joy, and passion. Get excited about rekindling the flame in your marriage. Share that excitement with your spouse.
Spice up the bedroom
Hotels or getaways are sexy because of the clean, inviting atmosphere. Spice up your bedroom by getting rid of any clutter. You wouldn’t feel relaxed in a hotel where shoes or magazines were all over the floor. Even worse, bills or children’s items on the bed. Commit to having a stress-free, inviting bedroom. How about some new linen? Move the TV to the basement? Have some massage oil on the pillow? Your bedroom should be a place for relaxation and romance.
Do it for the Health of It
There are health benefits to a healthy sex life. Did you know sex is a source of natural pain relief? Yeah, having a headache is a reason TO have sex, not a reason to avoid it. And that toned body you want? Sex is cardio exercise, great for your heart. You can lose a little weight around the hips and thighs while enjoying lovemaking with your husband. Who needs a treadmill after a hot steamy workout like that?
Push the Right Buttons
Couples can get comfortable with irritating their spouse. You know that putting the bread in the fridge drives them nuts, but you do it. Try pushing the right buttons by arousing your spouse throughout the day. Write a love note and put it in their pocket or briefcase. Spray their favorite cologne or perfume on a scarf or handkerchief, so they can think of you all day. Have a family member come over and watch the kids. You know how to get to your spouse. Get them excited about sex throughout the day and it will be extra spicy when it’s time.
Make Time for Sex
It may not seem sexy, but it is necessary. Schedule sex with your spouse. Sit together and plan your date night and your sex night. Once you have sex scheduled, tease one another with some pre-night sexting or some spicy pics. If your marriage needs more time, then start with erotic books or movies or couples massages. Make sure you massage the feet and the head. Often ignored, but can kick the libido into high gear.
Admit you may need some coaching or guidance
You could be bored of the same ol’, same ol’, yet nervous about trying something different. Or it could be that you just don’t know a lot about arousal or foreplay. Did you know there are different types of orgasms or how to achieve them? In my book, “Keep Your Legs Open: A Wives’ Guide to Sexual Satisfaction,” I share simple instructions about improving sexual intercourse with your spouse. Most women, especially those with strong religious beliefs, know very little about sex outside of intercourse. Time to explore a deeper, greater, more satisfying connection with your spouse.